Nov 24, 2009
Attacks
I’d talk about my social anxiety again here for a bit. I’m doing this for a few reasons:
The first is that I don’t think people truly understand exactly what happens to my body, mind and ability to function when I’m having a full blown attack. It’s so so much more than being nervous or uncomfortable around people. Its not being socially awkward, its not being afraid of people.
The second reason is perhaps more important. When I first started realizing what was happening to me, I was lucky enough to meet someone who I could talk to about these things, who discovered his condition later in life and wanted to help me wrap my head around, at an earlier age, what is most likely a life-long condition I’ll always have to manage. (I am forever grateful for his support.) I hope I can do the same with this conversation for others.
A lot of people were surprised by the amount of things I have gone to this past month. Not a single one of those were easy for me, and given the choice I would’ve most likely ignored my inner voice and stayed home (even for design week) because of the possibility of my panic attacks occurring.
Because of how quickly all of my panic happens, its hard to get a grasp of the order and exactness of it, but here is a fair try, based on the fresh memory of my anxiety before my flight to New York.
When I start to have an attack, my body very quickly tenses up. My tongue feels like its dry and swelling up in my mouth, I have trouble swallowing. My throat closes, my hands start to shake. I feel like I’m choking. I get nauseous, sometimes to the point of actually vomiting. Something in me kicks into flee mode, and I look around for an escape, the safety of a bathroom stall, a secluded room, outside, inside, anywhere but where I am right then. Everything about my body becomes a problem, everything about my head loses its ability to rationalize that I am safe. I just choke, and white knuckled grip whatever I can, the blood rushes from my face, then back, then stops all together, I radiate discomfort and heat. I want to cry and call my mom or run away towards my home. Unfortunately, it often happens in places like car rides, the middle of conversations, while I’m eating, while I’m at work, while I’m anywhere but a few of my safe zones.
That’s the thing I think people don’t understand the most. Anything or more accurately, everything, can be a spark towards my irrational panic. I can’t turn it off, its not mind over matter, and its not my comfort around any particular people. It can happen when I’m alone in my apartment with my dog, or NOT happen when I’m at the NFC championship game. There is no rubric of what will or wont make me react.
So, for the most part, I avoid putting myself in the position where it might be a problem. I’m a strange mix of introversion and extroversion. I don’t often go out, I like living in my head, thinking of things to create, but when I go out, I am generally a good time. But, ever since this instant choking nausea social anxiety started I find myself secluded within my mind.
Whats happened since all of my attempts to overcome this shit and support my friends and people who are doing great things is the “Well, you seem to be doing okay” comments. I wish I was, and I wish I could say things are getting better, but its really just that I’ve been forcing myself more and more to deal with it. Its not easy, and it has gotten really really draining. Since mid October, I’ve been running full steam, (and have no regrets about doing so.)
I guess I just want to talk about these things in hopes that it will give other people the forum for their own struggles. I’m not looking to do anything differently or be treated any differently, just shed light on what happens in the same way I’d share a case study on a logo I’ve designed.
So there you have it: I freak out, wanna puke and choke and I have some nice meds that make it all okay.
But, and this is very important: they do not make me like you. I still hate people.
Great post, man. Here’s to hoping it’s therapeutic for you. I’ll gladly grab a beer with you whenever we get a chance, and I doubt I’ll bring on a reaction. If it starts happening I’ll fart to break the tension.
I’ve had a few friends over the years with the same issues and watched each find their own way through it. I can’t say it went 100% away for them, rather they developed coping mechanisms over time (sometimes years) than lessened their situational stresses and allowed them to partake in their chosen activities. Most were also very creative and artistic types. Me? I can’t draw recognizable stick figures… It’s a lonely journey advanced a step at a time and I hope you meet some kind souls along the way. Just remember you don’t have to start with a personal visit the the NBA Playoffs. Best of luck…. (and Happy T-Day)
Rawk on, Mark Dudlik. It’s not easy and especially with social anxiety. You done good. I’m always here for support. Let me know.
They say that bravery isn’t a lack of fear, it’s just the ability to deal with it; I figure your social anxiety (and efforts to overcome it) work the same way. If you’ve been out and about more lately, it’s not because your condition is getting easier, but because your will is getting stronger.
Not everyone sees that, of course. People who’ve worked hard and saved their entire lives are “Lucky to be rich,” and people who study their brains out keep hearing “I wish I were naturally smart like you.” It’s hard for people to see what really goes into your current situation, and it’s easy for them to underestimate it. It’s normal, and you’re probably going to keep hearing it for the rest of your life. Sucks, but that’s how it goes.
The few who understand what’s going on, though, continue to have a lot of respect for what you’re doing. I’m sure I only have a superficial comprehension of what you’re dealing with, but I still admire the fact that you’re actually doing what you want to do instead of chickening out. You may never earn the respect you deserve for it, but at the very least you’re having a more fulfilling life.
Hate you too, buddy.
Keep up the good work.
Mark well explained sir. I’ve known two other people with the same sort of issues you deal with on a daily basis and applaud you for your attempts at dealing with it head on. Way to keep on fighting man. We all have demons to overcome in our life – its just a matter of how hard we fight them. I am pretty sure I owe you a beer and conversation still as well.
Hate always,
Conrey
You don’t owe anyone anything. That fact makes your post very meaningul. I see a counselor as well and it’s a huge help. For what it’s worth, Mark, im glad you are a part of the community ( the C word).
Inthis profession, we get to let our work do a lot of talking.
Anytime you have, let break bread
reapecfully
jeremie lederman